Sometimes I FREAK OUT!!!!
Everything was fine. I didn’t give myself ample time to get ready for church. It seemed I grabbed all the wrong things or dropped IT once I had it in my hands. Sydnee was beaneath my every move…..and instead of seeing it as cute I was annoyed. We made it to church only seconds late, thanks to Travis having everything ELSE ready….even the car. We sit down, and everything with Sydnee is bugging me. No reason. Just is. That makes me think about having the new baby here soon and I FREAK!!! How are we gonna manage? I feel so stressed now! How am I gonna do it!? EVERYTHING SEEMS AMPLIFIED RIGHT NOW!!!
How come I feel like I AM THE ONLY WOMAN WHO GET’S THESE FEELINGS?
So a friend and her family come and join us on our row at church, and I immediately feel it is a blessing. She has 3 girls, and Sydnee was so thrilled to have someone else there. I start seeing advantages FOR SYDNEE. Their girls are friends. The oldest can manage a bit more on her own. They like to play together.
The thought comes into my mind, “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. Doubt NOT, Fear NOT!” I am calmed again, but still tears of gratitude flow. I know that I don’t remember the Lord enough in this process as I feel like EVERYTHING rests upon MY shoulders right now!! I know this is his plan. I have known that since I felt like we should have another baby, and I felt so scared. I have known it is HIS plan since I got immediately prego and didn’t know for 8 very necessary weeks. I KNOW it is his plan and I KNOW that HIS PLAN is always BEST for me………but here I sit completely freaking—NOT TRUSTING. So now I am crying because I feel like the Lord knows me--right now, and is watching over me—right now.
I look over at this family and there is her husband-- calm as could be as he handles, teaches and entertains the older girls. Travis is SOOO like that. He does more than I could ask. AND OH Crap, I FREAK!! My mind goes wild with all of my weaknesses. He has to deal with so much. I feel like this is one place where marriage is hard. I had my problems before, but NOW it’s like they are his problems too!! I wish he just didn’t have to see them, or deal with them. He has helped me with so many of my INSECURITIES, and I am SOOOoo grateful for that. But sometimes I feel like I can only see my weaknesses—so that must be all HE sees!!
The next thing I know, my friends husband is handing me a package of Kleenex….and he doesn’t know why. I know my friend has noticed my struggle. My heart is filled. I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS, AND PEOPLE AROUND ME! Even in that moment…..I really needed those Kleenex!!!! I have so many people around me who love me and want to help, but I feel guilty asking for their help. Or if I DO ask, I feel like I owe them so much, but I have nothing to give. I feel like a failure because I can't handle it on my own! Parts of me can see how ridiculous this is, BUT my heart, my eyeballs, and the other part of my mind don’t agree!
I don’t feel excited for the baby. I feel overwhelmed. That has to change. I love Sydnee’s cute antics, but they are soon outweighed by her tantrums, potty training accidents, or just plain selfishness of wanting my space!! I feel like I trust the Lord and his plan SO MUCH, yet I freak out, heap everything on my shoulders, feel guilty, and can’t forgive myself! What happened to the Optimist? Who is this pessimist?? HELP!
13 comments:
Jules...I love you!! You are only saying the things that many of us mommies feel!! You are amazing and a wonderful wife and mother. Relax and put your feet up...breathe in and out...you got this!!
Jules...I love you!! You are only saying the things that many of us mommies feel!! You are amazing and a wonderful wife and mother. Relax and put your feet up...breathe in and out...you got this!!
You are so wonderful! Just the fact that you can recognize that you need the help of others (Heavenly Father at the forefront) shows that you have alot more trust and faith than I do. I REALLY understand about just being bugged or wanting space from the 2 year old. I feel so guilty sometimes too. Thank goodness for wonderful men! I don't know if I have the answers, but with 3 days with #2 it is much easier the second time around. It is amazing to feel so much love for a new little creature. I'm sure you will swing back to being excited for your little one! You are absolutely incredible!
Trust me, you are not the only one who feels this way. I can especially understand not wanting to have to ask for help,but after having two babies at once, I have started to get over that. Like others have said though, "this too shall pass." I tell myself that all the time. You are awesome! I don't see any of your weaknesses, and I sure see a whole lot of strengths. Hang in there. You're doing great!
I freak out like this about seven times a day. FOUR kids? What the heck was I thinking? I can't even manage my first one yet.
You're not alone. Remember that parenting is hard work, harder than anything else. You really are doing an AMAZING job. I look up to you so much and admire you, both as a Mom and a woman!
You are not alone. I feel that way too sometimes. Being a parent is hard. You do need time for yourself once in a while, it's good for your children to see you take breaks I think. You are an amazing person and the lord will bless you for following his council.
I'm glad there were all these ladies there to embrace you with common feelings. I'm your mother & I know how amazing you are.......I have always felt like you were my special gift & ministering angel. I'm sorry you are hurting, but I am sooooooo grateful that you put you feelings down and allowed others to Help you. That is the essence of humility & you validate so many who think you walk on water. I love you dear.....what yo are learning will prove to be of great worth as you remember and someday give back. Besides, I'm excited for your love to be showered down on two little girls! Down the road, it's the greatest gift you give yourself.
I'm so glad you shared your thoughts and feelings. I rarely see you because we live so far away, but I would never have guessed you were feeling this way. I think we often assume others have it all together ALL of the time and so we are afraid or reluctant to share that we DON'T have it all together all of the time.
I remember being so completely overwhelmed the first month of motherhood and being scared it wasn't exactly how I had imagined, or feeling that it was just something I wasn't cut out for. A friend came over and shared her experience and similar feelings with me and I felt so much better.
I wonder why we don't share more of this with others--do we think we'll seem like we don't like being mothers or that we're not righteous enough? I don't know, but now I try to share my feelings with my friends who are entering motherhood in case they have some of the same thoughts.
I think you're a wonderful mother and I know you guys will be able to handle this new little one on the way!
Oh Julie Kaye! I haven't seen you lately or I would have told you that I am pregnant with my first and can relate to SO many of these feelings that you put into words, particularly about how husbands have to deal with so much. I have been on a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster and have felt so badly for dumping my stress, worries, concerns, HORMONES, on him!! Luckily, these are amazing men that we've married and they have a much better grasp on the bigger picture than we sometimes do.
I completely relate to the knowing something with your mind but not feeling it with your heart. At least you've recognized that you're not on your own and as you continue to just do the best you can every day you will be made equal to everything that is required of you. Good luck, and I'm glad I'm not the only one out there!
Julie Kaye, I have had such similar feelings. I had a really hard time with Owen when he was first born. My hormones were totally out of whack and it was so hard for me to reconcile such dichotomous feelings of love and complete frustration and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. It just didn't make sense to me. It is so hard to ask for help sometimes because then it just makes you feel like a failure, or like you said, that you owe them so much but can't repay it or feel guilty for burdening them. UGH...being a parent is the most amazing thing and the most difficult.
I'm so sorry you are feeling all of this right now. I hope that your burdens can be lightened and that you can feel at peace and eager to have your new little one join your family. But know that you are not alone...not in how you feel or alone in person. Even when it doesn't always seem like it, Heavenly Father is there and he loves us regardless of our shortcomings. I hope you are feeling better. I know you will make it and you are SUCH a good mom. Don't ever doubt that!
Julie Kay, you already know how much I admire and adore you but one of the reasons why is because of how willing you are to be open and honest about anything and everything and are "the real thing." I've always appreciated that about you. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend...hang in there you can do it, you are amazing!
Sorry I am seeing this so late!! I think days like that are normal but no one really talks about them. How can we support each other if we hide what we're feeling? Good for you - sharing when things aren't so good. The people who love you can't help if they don't know you need it. :) Hope you're feeling better!
Julie, So wonderful to have the opportunity to see your beautiful new baby and read some of your blog. You are an angel. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. As you shared you "freak out" moment, I reflected on MANY times your mom has allowed me to share very similar feelings to yours with her. She is my rock. And, guess what, with help of dear friends like her (you are made of her mold) and staying close to Heavenly Father, my children have turned out TERRIFIC, and, I am mostly sane :o)! But most of all, I am on a journey of refinement which cannot happen without adversity. It's part of the plan, and I think you are doing TERRIFIC! I am so proud of you for following your promptings. Trust in them, always. I love you, Shauna Harker
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